Dear Feeling Big and Broken- Hearted,

He probably doesn't notice that your at home when you are, either. So don't be at home one night when he comes home, maybe even for a few nights. Then let him bring you the paper and slippers after you've been running around all day (sorry make that 24 hours a day )after a couple of children (probably including the one your married to),all this while actually carrying another one inside your body,while he gets to have his dinner in peace alone, or being entertained by fellow workers.

Back by popular demand (Sam Popular, who owns a laundromat down the street)---another actual letter to an actual advice columnist. This is kinda near & dear to my heart, coz my presence on the internet has caused a sharp increase in sales of paper shredders, as people like to print my threads & then shred 'em. Who wants to tackle this one?
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My boyfriend of two years gave me a paper shredder for my 29th birthday. I wasn't looking for diamonds, but something remotely romantic would have been nice. He remembered that I wanted to get a shredder someday, so I think he was trying to be thoughtful. Am I awful for thinking it's about the worst birthday present you could get from your man? -SHREDDED

And here I thought paper was the first anniversary!

Oh, Joe...methinks you are too fond of thyself. Why would I want to waste the paper to print out your threads only to shred them? Save a tree and delete them electronically!!!

Dear Shredded,

Your boyfriend LISTENED to you. He listened and did what he thought you wanted!!!

That is far more precious than diamonds, which anyway are bought with blood; be thankful he didn't add that to your karma. Do you want to live happily to old age with someone who cares about you, or live for a few years with someone who cares about what other people think?

Just don't shred his life. If you have to be so shallow, fold yourself on the dotted lines, become a paper airplane, and sail away. You'll both be happier.

--Paper Covers Rock

Dear Shredded,

Pull yourself TOGETHER girlfriend!!!!!!!
At least he didn't give you a kitchen appliance!!!

You got something you wanted for yourself!!
You coulda got some cooking device, or something, so you could cook HIM something with it!!!

He seems like a practical guy who knows whats REALLY important in life.

You wanna sit shredding paper with diamonds all day??? Be my guest!!!

Dear Shredded:

He really cares about you. He got you a paper shredder so you can shred all those things that have your SS# on them... preventing (hopefully) someone from stealing your identity! That's important and shows he really cares about you.

Admit it. You've all been waiting for me to post another letter. Here ya go, & keep in mind, as always, that it's an actual letter to an actual advice columnist---no foolin'! Who's ready to tackle this dilemna?
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I'm trying to get promoted in my company, and my boss has made it clear I'll move up if I "play ball." I know what he's talking about, and so do you. Though sleeping your way to the top seems immoral, they also say "use what you got." I'm really torn and nervous about all this. Your call? -- NEED ADVICE

Dear Need Advice,

Consent to your boss and "play ball" as he requests. At the proper time, at the no-tell motel or wherever it is he brings you, after he undresses and is ready to "play ball", take your Louisville Slugger and knock his balls out of the park.