Thanks, Kitty, for the reminder. "But for the asking."

Todd was in a dream I had the other day...

We were in a large cabin or something, with a big stone fireplace - very cozy - Todd was talking with my brother (who doesn't know anything about Todd)... They were compiling a tape of many songs, recording Patriots' Dream - and then they wanted the sound of a train whistle, and my brother said that he wished my Dad was there... (Dad died in 1990) ... because Dad did the greatest impression of a train whistle...

I'm not sure what it all means... but I had a good feeling when I woke up...

My first encounter with those who admit their blunderisms..(you guys)..
was when Todd would sit me by the computer and have me read posts out loud to him...he'd be anywhere from giggling to belly laughing....and such pure laughter is truly infectious...i also love you as todd does. He relished stirring the pot and seeing what wonderous vapors escaped from this boiling brew...it stimulated...no, i take that back, he needed no stimulation....it filled a need of constant input.....what many may not realize about todd...his incredable steel-trap mind was his gift as well as his curse. he drank himself to death for he could not stop remembering everything...and i mean everything.
The bantering and sharing, the hating as well as the loving...this all he truly enjoyed...it always afforded him respite from his pain, both body and soul.
for this I am eternally grateful to all who love todd....it's recognized and oh so appreciated.

Thanks for sharing. I didn't know Todd very long, but I will remember him--fondly!

Todd did seem to have a steel trap for a mind. He would often relate back to me things I might have said to him months or even years before.We were on very different roads that led to the same place, and to some extent we did meet at a fork and then took the same road for a while.Todd opened my eyes to alot of things in the all too short time I knew him. Some things simple, and some profound. Through all that, one thing that sticks with me more than most was that he related back to me a few simple words that I had said to him, a long time before, that he said stuck to and with him, and affected him in some way.
One time, up at the church, Todd was relating to me in a conversation, that Arlo and family had given him the run of the church. Todd's past was always with him, even though it was in his past , he would tell me not to leave a junkie alone with the valuables.He feared that his past might creep up to him it seemed and he might revert to things he may have done to satisfy a habit in the past. I knew somehow that he wouldn't, even if he didn't.
He then said to me " The trust of these people (the Guthrie clan) is very important to me, I would not steal from them". I simply replied " I would not steal from anybody". I don't know exactly how or why those simple words and that simple concept affected Todd as they did, but from what he tells me, they did.
He opened my eyes to things, and I told him so from time to time.It was nice to be told that I may have returned the favor in some small way, even if it was simply by turning on the light switch.
Georgia, your entire post is crystal clear to me, and right on the mark.

<FONT size="1">(edited for a small mistake in grammer and wording and stuff)</FONT s>

<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 1 times, lastly by Larry on Feb 03, 2003 ---</FONT></center>

Bless you Larry.

Todd was something like the reverse of the 'Chief' in ''Cockoo's Nest'...
Where the chief saw himself as small when in fact he was a mountain......and needed convincing of his strenght...Todd was huge but did not think he was ever small ..never small enough to love. he always was his own boogie man and I can speak this cause I was there.....there was a time when he was MY boogie man.
and the odd thing about him never feeling worthy of love...he was loved where ever he went....inspite of himself.
I tried to explain to my boyfriend ..
Todd was the only person on this earth that has TRULY known me my whole life...oh, you may say.,parents but I cannot say that...they are great but Todd was my influence my entire life...and let me tell you he was quite the rodeo.....
with each hard lesson came new wisdom and in between (and sometimes during) we laughed from our souls.
I pay him the highest compliment....
I am a better person for knowing him.
I miss him terribly. just knowing i could always go to him, he'd tell me the truth...without fail...it tended to get harsh but at least i was not alone.and he was on my side..rooting and cheering, never begrudging.
I am refering to the real Todd...not the junkie. Even though he was a good man at thoses times..his addiction dictated over all...over his women ,his children, his life. He was not lieing when he said never leave a junkie with the valuables....he just didn't believe that anyone else thought he wasn't one anymore...
All of you have met the real Todd and if you could of seen him in his prime.....
he was quite the rodeo!
I miss my partner and am floundering abit.


a Forrest Gump moment here...
and that's all I have to say about that.
thanks for letting me ramble....
to quote Todd.."it's all fodder."
peace,..georgia

a quick poem.
don't roll your eyes..
it,s titled In Defense of Myself...but it explains my brother as well.

Think of me which way you will
to call me thoughtless,
you would be wrong.
No luck-
no quiet mind-
Thundering redundancy
makes it hard to stand strong.
No luck-
I find it unkind-
to think about everything
to mill it over again and again
is not a state of mind to wish upon a friend.
So don't bother calling me thoughtless
unless..
it's a wish bestowed on me.
A hope that I would one night rest.
A prayer a peaceful fight could be.
-g.g.-

my computer is finally acting right and i just read all these posts...
WOW

cindy...you got alittle scary there.
bless each and every little folicle on each and every pumkin.

<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 1 times, lastly by georgia on Feb 03, 2003 ---</FONT></center>

at the moment, every time i try to put down what i want to say here it seems to go right out the window...i remember getting into that routine a little while back (well maybe a couple years) and right after i gave up in frustration, todd described in a post his doing the same thing and called it "clear form zone!" (write a full page to post, then clear the form, write another full page then clear it again...) (i thought he must have been spying on me!) well not really, but at least i knew i had company. <img src="http://www.arlo.net/ubb/smilies/smile.gif" width=15 height=15>

the stories here are precious.
(that's what i was trying to say in a nutshell...how hard should that be?!)

and georgia, i wasn't rolling my eyes.

Georgia--wonderful poem. It's just that kind of resonance that drew people to Todd. Not many of us reach our age without hoping for some "thoughtless" moments. Many times others forgive us far more readily than we forgive ourselves. The strength is in the carrying on ... and Todd had that ... and obviously you do too.

I never met Todd in person and regret not having the chance. He inspired, confused, amused, and even angered me at various times, but even during one of his worst spells near the end, when everyone was pulling their hardest for him, he STILL came through with blundervibes when I asked for help. So unexpected and incredibly touching that he would even be able to expend the energy to get beyond his own pain and think of others.

Larry, how lucky for you to KNOW what a positive influence you had on someone ... and especially for that person to be someone so special to you.

Agnes, I know what you mean. I've rewritten this twice, and probably still have not made any sense to anyone else, but I know what I mean. Mainly -- Todd is missed.

Georgia, I miss knowning that Todd isn't here and won't be at the Church again.

He did love to stir the pot!!! I was there.

His steel-trap mind was truly a sign of his giftedness & genius about life.

..."his addiction dictated over all..." As is true for many, but he had self-insight into it and himself.

He did speak the truth!

He is missed.

Todd and I knew each other only over the net, but we could fight like the best of friends, we pissed ourselves off, we pissed each other off and almost got ourselves kicked off the site, but we never got anger with one another or forgot it was all illusion.

I sometimes will disagree with someone on a point that in fact I agree with on, this may seem strange but while the person is defending their point of view the enhance their understanding and mine as well, I think Todd did that as well.

Now with great respect to all who have posted, I feel compelled to ask, Todd Who?