Dear concerned citizen,

I'm sure that you have a valid point in your concerns somewhere, and that we are just not clever enough to see it. But we are sure that if the baseball players do in fact strike, it will prove something that we have known all along. Much as the planet Mercury is the patron planet of gnuspapers, the planet Uranus is the patron planet of striking major league baseball players, because they are such assholes.
Thanks for you letter, and if you have some spare time, perhaps you could drive down to the hills of Tennesee and read it to Nathen.
Thanks again, The Editor.

Dear Editor:

I must agree with your statement that all baseball players are represented by agents from Uranus... however, since baseball is played in an outdoor stadium, the effects of a baseball strike are truly inconsequential, for if they abolish baseball, this will only allow football to evolve earlier in the season, and will have absolutely NO impact on the basketball season, which is only curtailed by the boorish, thuglike actions of the NHL, since they insist on playing indoors (like some weenies) instead of outdoors in the cold where they belong! Maybe they should take a lesson from the olympic curling team... NOBODY'S WATCHING!!! NOBODY CARES!!!!!
That being all said, please keep up the good work you are doing, especially with your humanitarian aid and support for the addled and underpriveledged of Tennesee.

Sincerely,
Thor, God of Thunder (and the Knicks)

Not to cross thead but if it was in the book, why wasn't it in the movie...(I might be thinking of a play I saw)???

Was that undereducated or undermedicated???

*Did you see the 'Sopranos' episode where Uncle Junior talks of his late Uncle that gets put in The Witness protection, 30 miles out of Nashville. Funny stuff. Wants me begging to visit New Jersey!.....<img src="http://www.arlo.net/ubb/smilies/smile.gif" width=15 height=15>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Arnie:

Dear Editor:
...if they abolish baseball, this will only allow football to evolve earlier in the season...
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's what I'm saying..

concerned citizen who's not too crazy about football.

Dear poor misguided brainwashed goosestepping disciples of Abner Doubleday,

Hockey and football are much farther up the sports evolutionary ladder than baseball, in about the same ratio that a human is above the common garden slug, or about the same ratio that the average 7th grader with a C- grade point average is above our country's current chief executive officer.
However, in the intrests of equal time, and fair play, we at CG&V invite Pat to share with us her theory on how baseball mirrors life, or some such nonsense. Fiction pretending to be fact though it may be, we have found it good reading in the past.

Hamptons, LI, NY
This just in...

A house in East Hampton, Long Island, presumably owned by some obscure multi-millionaire personality has been taken hostage by a band of wild and crazed garden slugs!
They have posted their demands on their website (www.slug.org), and basically, are asking for a retraction of the defaming statement comparing them unfavorably with humans. Their leader, Sluggo, was quoted as saying,
"Hey! don't shake that salt at me you stoopid human! I'll slime your sidewalk if you take one step closer!!!"

Film (and ooze) at 11...

I already did that here last year or the year before. For something that no one agrees with it gets a lot of requests. I assume that you need some features for your publication though and will oblige.

Ok..if you've heard this one before just move along:

Baseball, it seems to me, is more a metaphor for our spiritual journey and our quest to join the Infinite. The trip around the base paths, trying to get back where we started, represents our efforts to find our Original Face, Arlo might put it, get rid of "everything that isn't you". It isn't easy to get all the way around and we don't always make it the first time. The ultimate achievement is to send our souls, as represented by a white sphere, out into the universe, rising above all the earthly obstacles and soaring into the Infinite Everything. Baseball isn't timed, of course, because that takes as long as it takes..millenia, maybe.

This is usually prefaced my my assertion that all other team sports are essentially the same as one another, and they're all metaphors for war and battles. That doesn't take any figuring out. It's what they were designed for. So, Mr. Fancy Pants Editor, how can you say that they're more evolved than baseball?

Dear Editor:

I must agree with the letter from Pat, I think she was saying that life is all about getting to first base with a girl. Now I have never made it that far with anyone other then a near relative but I sure would like to know what it feels like to run the bases and slide into home.


Did anyone see the little note from ADG? I was not sure what all that was about so I sent a link into TIPS and I can just bet the Ashcroft will have that little commie in no time. By the By, do we still hate commies?


Thank You for your excellent newspaper, here in Tennessee we normally use our newsprint for toilet paper and I must say yours is the softest yet, but it sure is hard to read afterwards.

yours truly

stil trying in Tennessee


Ps Football sucks, the NHL sucks and basketball sucks, Pat makes baseball sound great maybe those poor boys need more money, I don't know but Lawn Bowling is the sport of the future.

<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 1 times, lastly by Nathen on Aug 14, 2002 ---</FONT></center>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by pat:


This is usually prefaced my my assertion that all other team sports are essentially the same as one another, and they're all metaphors for war and battles. That doesn't take any figuring out. It's what they were designed for. So, Mr. Fancy Pants Editor, how can you say that they're more evolved than baseball?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Because I have fancy pants, and I'm the Editor. But besides that, however unfortunate it may be, being more evolved does not mandate less violence. I mean mankind is more evolved than the ameoba, and we make war, and they don't. Besides the fact that you may be to close to this game to see it for what it really is. Not seeing the forest for the trees as it were. Is not a "suicide squeeze" much the same as a "Kamakazee"? Is not throwing some inside heat or some "chin music" something like throwing a hand grenade or some such weapon?
Is not a catcher blocking the plate as territorial as a wolf pissing around the boundry of his domain, much like a politcal despot that may or may not have weapons of mass destruction to use at his whim?
I maintain that baseball is in the same warlike vein as the other sports,only worse because it's so covert. I'm sure that most "Manchurian Candidates" are HUGE baseball fans. The Editor.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nathen:


Thank You for your excellent newspaper, here in Tennessee we normally use our newsprint for toilet paper and I must say yours is the softest yet, but it sure is hard to read afterwards.

yours truly

stil trying in Tennessee


<center><FONT COLOR="#000080">--- Edited 1 times, lastly by Nathen on Aug 14, 2002 ---</FONT></center><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


Dear bassackwards hillbilly,

Thanks again for your letter. We might suggest that for your outhouse needs, you subscribe to "The National Enquirer", because it reads exactly the same both before and after you use it for toilet paper.
The Editor.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Arnie:

Maybe they should take a lesson from the olympic curling team... NOBODY'S WATCHING!!! NOBODY CARES!!!!!


Sincerely,
Thor, God of Thunder (and the Knicks)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dear Thor, I don't want to rain on your parade, even if you supply the thunder, but many more people watch curling than do the hammer throw, which I know is your event.
So I hope you don't mind if from now on we refer to you as "Thor, God of Blunder".

The Editor.

Dear Editor:

Thank you for the new title of God of Blunder! My fellow gods think it fits me to a 'T'!
But I must warn you that we do not take kindly to the dissing you gave the Hammer Throw, and since we do represent some of the folks found in the backwater communities of Tennessee, you are warned that any further dissing of the Gods (or pissing off of any of the coven) will render you one very thor behind, underthtand??

Affectionately,
Thor, God of Blunder (and Chonklit Pound Cake)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Arnie:


But I must warn you that we do not take kindly to the dissing you gave the Hammer Throw, and since we do represent some of the folks found in the backwater communities of Tennessee,
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dear Thor, God of Blunder,

I'm afraid you are just a little confused.
You see in those backwater communities of Tennessee you speak of, the folks GET hammered, but they THROW cow chips, and that ain't the same thing.

The Editor.

Dear Editor:

We do not toss cow chips, indeed that would be very disrespectful of our girl friends, I mean really do you yankee dogs toss your girl's chips?

Yes, we do in fact have the hammer toss as part of the highland games which just concluded, and Arnie is correct,and so is Pat, so mister fancy pants, let this be a lesson to you.....I don't know what that lesson is but then again it's not my lesson either.

clean bum dirty screen in Tennessee

Dear Editor,

What a wonderful vacation I'm havin'! We done fried us another one 'a those jumpin' beans last night! Yeeehaw!!!
Oh yeah, how come you ain't got no funnies I can read while relaxin' on my sofa while drinkin' my Corona's that Consuela brings me (I just loves that gal when she wears those spikey high heels!!!) It's so darn hard to understand the news when they don't have too many pictures in there! I like to keep on top of my current events, and there's nothing better than keeping a close eye on Hagar the Horrible! Man, do I get some belly laughs over that poor uneducated fool!

Please take care of this matter right away, or you may find yourself getting a visit from my pet hounddog Ashy!
hmmmmm... i'm having a cravin' for tacos tonite... HAR HAR HAR!!! get it??? TACOS!!! WHHHOOOOWHHEEEE I crack myself up sometimes!!!

think i'll go sneak up on Consuela cleanin' the chandelier again...

Georgie the giant killer.. (ha ha ha ha... get it??? GIANT KILLER????? man do I crack myself up!!!!! whooohoooo!!!)